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A man is reading hisnewspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article abouthow women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”The wiferesponds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”New Joke Category:Oneshop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad thatyou’re looking for a night guard?”“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”My son Luke loves that we choseStar Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sisterChewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.An oldlady comes to her doctor and says, “Doctor, you know how you told me Ishould avoid going up and down stairs as much as possible?”“Yes,”nods the doctor, “we agreed on that after the latest X-rays.”“Well I don’t know if it was such a greatrecommendation. All the climbing up and down the rain gutter is reallyexhausting!”New Jokes:“Have you been sleeping by an openwindow, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.“Yes, just likeyou said, doc.”“And is the bronchitis gone now?”“Not yet, sofar the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”.
Bridget asks herson Paul, “Paul, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?”-“A bit of both,actually,” replies the teenager.-“How do you mean that?” asks the puzzledBridget.-“I’d say you’re pretty ugly.”What’sa good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?-The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’sgetting worse. What can I do?-Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness,unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USDthat you owe me?I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?Weather girl: “. And because of the cold front coming in from North-East,we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8inches.”New category:We added: A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if youfind it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”-A voice in thebackground says: “I’m offering 200!”'Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period?
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I mean I’m already 19 and Janetgot hers when she was just 13!' 'Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOTgetting a period ever!' Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?-Of course I did,otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife:“Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”-“No”, she repliessleepily.-“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all byitself.
And when I went out of there, the light switched off again withoutme having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”-Emilyreplies groans: “Oh no, Peter!
You pig, you just peed into the fridgeagain!!!”A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead”Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”Guy: “Well in bed she’sthe same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy”An ant is walking down the road. A cow comes along and splats him with ahuge cowpat. The ant takes three hours digging itself out fromunderneath all that poop. A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for $100?“-“Of coursenot!” replies the lady.-“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really usethe money.”I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it please.-But that’s your bank statement Mr Dibbley!-I said exchange it!!!New joke category: In a bakery:Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there,please.”Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’llhave that thing there, please.”New category:You have to appreciate how badass the Chinese are, making their languagetotally out of tattoo symbols.Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve gota new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.“OMG,”cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”“What?! The guy told me he wasa pilot!”I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that Imade a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously.